THIS IS NOT FUNNY, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN!

I am 40. I wanna be there. I’m scared of when. I don’t wanna suffer now, I don’t wanna get rid of the advantages that put me in front of the continuum order. My instinct keeps pushing me to defying gravity – literally. I hate to hide, because honesty is my religion and has always defined my persona. It is a trait that defines big confrontations. My honesty I consider as my truth, as a gift –even when I have unintentionally hurt somebody with it-. But having a gift or many can be nothing else than losing yourself, if you don’t see clearly, with enough time to straighten the rises, and not taking them all downhill.

Listen to me! I'm talking to you who I’m sure will read this. If you’ve ever had the feeling of being scared of me, because you think this is going to crash, be braver than me, look me in the eye, and tell me to get off. I never make a fuzz in these cases. I simply fade away in silence.

This very last weekend I laughed again (I blame you for this), and you know what? Like the heart and the sex, laughing works by means of an erection. It doesn’t arise without excitement. It never catches you off guard, or almost never, unless a “good” thought betrays you and makes you smile. This last weekend I got it again: in 72 hours I have touched, licked, and smelled the disbelief of seeing myself going back to the track where I used to place myself when I was younger.

What a fucking need of hanging myself to what I tend to see as the key of the human condition: love and commitment. Love, I have usually known how to turn it into friendship. Yes, friendship, the friendship that balances the abandonment of the air given to me by the urge of love. Commitment, commitment like a won battle… that always ends up making me proud.

I sometimes think that my everlasting longing for friendship comes from all my failed children. The children yet to come. The child I have got. Just a matter of time.

Friendship is so essential to me. So much. I know very well that as a young man I looked for friendship in dynamics that were too fast and got empty dramatically. Nowadays, the paternal instinct I feel drives my away from them, and brings me closer to friends in whose eyes I can see youth telling me how they will be when they are old. As I once heard – I don’t remember by who- nature gives us a face when we are born, at forty we have the face built by ourselves, and when we die we have the face of our very own. Maybe it is not true, but I love to believe it is.

The fact of living often puzzles me more than thinking that I will die someday.